intimate time and the good of God

hey guys, firstly i apologize for the lack of post in this blog due to some personal matters. it was all my bad. whenever God asks me to post something, i kind of dismiss it. so :/
okay, moving on. so now i'm going to share something about "intimate time and the good of God"

so, this is actually more about my personal experience. it was last week when i experienced this.
that night i was about to sleep, i was all ready in bed, closed my eyes, and was all up to dream land. i was super exhausted as well, so i expected myself to sleep as soon as i laid myself on the bed.

but whats strange was that i actually couldn't sleep at all. so i grabbed my phone and decided to play some tracks by Hillsong and once again i tried to sleep away. 5minutes passed, 10minutes passed and still i couldn't really sleep. i didn't feel myself at peace that time, so i decided to just pray. hopefully, it would kinda give me some peace.
so, i sent some prayers, sang some praises. and this is what i got. i was reminded by God about this one particular moment of my life.
i have a dark past to be frank. i meant, i have been "abused". and to get out of that was not easy AT ALL. i meant, it was so painful to be in an abusive relationship, but getting out of there was even more painful for me. being abused is something like, being killed psychologically slowly. you know, like you seriously lose yourself day by day. its the feeling that you can't imagine. and i can't believe that i've been there before. i wasnt being abused physically but i was psychologically being abused. due to my past, i was degraded by someone who i thought would never do that to me. i was degraded, eventhough i have given everything literally everything. i even sinned, and that was my biggest mistake ever. but the best thing of me that i gave wasnt even enough for me to be free from the abusive relationship i was in.
i can't really tell every detail of it. but those days were the darkest days of my life i would say. by far, those were the darkest. i even lost myself. and i didn't know who i was anymore. till the day i let go of it, and i was born new again.
during those days, i couldn't see God. i was depressed. i was all sick, and my soul was like ripped out. i was totally wrecked. i wasn't strong enough to fight it back. and thats when i lost myself.
but now, im new. because of God. if He is not the God who is full of mercy and forgiveness, i would probably still be wrecked. it wasn't easy.
the feeling of being rejected, the feeling of being ashamed of, the filth, the feeling of losing yourself, and the worst is the feeling of knowing that you can't even accept your own self anymore, because you're just that low and dirty, and unforgivable. but trust me, our God Jesus will forgive you if you only come to Him and give all those depressing feelings up to Him. don't hold on to this feeling, but give it up to Him. because neither you or your family can heal the pain youve felt. its only God who can heal the wrecked soul and self.
so, that night. i was crying, not because i was sad. it was because i am so GLAD for having a figure like Jesus in my life. i'm so GLAD that i knew Him. i was reminded of just how good He is in my life. and that brought tears in my eyes.
if ive never given up my wrecked soul to Him, i would still be wrecked even until this point of time. but look at me, i am MORE THAN free now. i am NEW and FRESH. and this is what God wants me to be. because He just loves me that much, to even leave me broken.
so guys, you may have or may not have been in abusive relationship, and you DONT NEED TO anyway, to be able to feel the good of Jesus. its just some of us have to learn it in a hard and cruel way LOL.
but the point is, no matter what, give up everything to Jesus.
He will protect you, He will save you, He will never fail you.
and that night was the moment when i realized, its been God all the time. all the pain, all the tears, all the violence ive been through, all the outcries, its been God. not anyone else but God. and i know, there is A VICTORY AND BRIGHT FUTURE coming towards me, and its going to hit me real soon. and even before it comes, i already know, that GOD IS MY VICTORY.